There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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