I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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