The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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