I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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