I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
