I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
