dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize