I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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