I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
