Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It was like getting head from an anaconda
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
