I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
