I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
