This is not my ceiling
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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