Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
