a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Your dad touched me again.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
