You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
