I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
