We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
