I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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