I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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