I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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