I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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