if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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