She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
