Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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