8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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