Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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