i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
