My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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