It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
