listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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