Moan for me like Helen Keller
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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