was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
