honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
