Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
