Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
