Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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