I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
