i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
