hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
