I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
