why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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