Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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