she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
