got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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