He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize