I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
