you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
