put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
