Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
