Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize