mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
