Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
