my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
