Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Randomize
