if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
