Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
