I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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