my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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