tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
