I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
