I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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