If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
