ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
