dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
