New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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