when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
